I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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