Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
