I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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