She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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