I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
