it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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