Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
