the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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