omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
