i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
