also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
