If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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