he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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