is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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