Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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