When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
