I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
