there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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