I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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