I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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