My cat gives me a boner
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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