the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
