I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
