just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
