I could have mohawked her pubes.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
