our cab driver is having phone sex.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
