I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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