is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
