i wish peter jackson would direct porn
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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