Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
