my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
