sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
