there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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