they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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