my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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