does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
