Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
