Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
