I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
