I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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