I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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