i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am available for nakedness
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
