I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
