OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
