The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
