I'm jealous of your bromance
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
