my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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