He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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