so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is Oprah even human
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
