I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
